I wonder why.
Why do i have to go through this.
I don`t blame you.
I blame myself for putting myself through this.
Maybe i should not be so honest from the start.
It makes it awkward for us now, maybe what i have said startled you and it might seemed fake thus making me not knowing how to face you.
But what i have said are all my honest feelings.
I know i don`t know you well, but i just don`t understand why either.
At first i thought it`s the feeling of loneliness that leads to feeling this way, but no, that`s not it.
Now i realised.
My feelings are along are so true and sincere.
If only i listened to my heart at that time.
I tried.
Even though not at my best, because i was not given the chance.
Or maybe i did not treasure the chance.
Because i want to be sure, before i even make a move, i want something i put all of my heart and soul into to last at least.
Therefore, i was afraid to show you the real me, thinking that you might dislike me for my real personality.
This only happens with you, i have no problem being myself with others.
Last time i even thought of making myself depressed all the time as a little sacrifice to make you love me or maybe my sadness could make you happier and luckier.
I realised, that was quite a stupid thing to do.
If we are really meant to be, we will be together by now.
But i guess i should be happy for you, at least you find someone you love now, someone that makes you happy.
If i said i moved on, i`ll be lying.
Because this memories, be it happy or sad will always remain in my heart.
Even though if i had the chance, i would not fall in love with you like this, because this feelings are too real to be true.
Maybe i will be better off without these feelings.
I blame myself for falling for something i cannot keep.
Makes me feel very insecure now.
Makes me feel bad of rejecting other guys either, might be adding up to the bad karma.
Maybe i should start giving myself a chance to start anew, as well as giving others a chance too, i wonder if i can really do it.


Is it just me who is missing you?
Statying up through the tiresome night thinking of you.
Try as i would to hate you more, i yearned for you once again.
Is it just me who shed tears and felt hurt?
While yearning for your love like this?

I want the special person to stay with me be it the good or bad times, whether it is the end of the world or not, can my simple wish be granted?

A message...

Where are you?
I am still searching for you.
If it is possible to turn back time, perhaps i would not love you like this.
Am i not in your memories?
Am i not someone in your heart?
Is it just me again?
Did you not love me even once?
Is it just me who misses you this much?
With little memories like this.
Is it just me who is still unable to cast this aside?
Still i hope for you to come into my heart.
Was i in this alone?

So do you know about this?
I wonder.
Because i know my heart don`t lie.

Might be going out tomorrow with huishan and friends.
Why do i hear birds singing at such an hour?
Lastly, i apologize to my papa and mama, sorry.

Why???
What happened???
What is it that i don`t understand???
Where did it go wrong???
I don`t understand???

Lately i have been doing much self-thinking.

I have been doing it like most of the time but i don`t blog it out or i don`t say it out.

Well, for today i want to share my thoughts as well as awareness to the world.

I know most people say that i look childish, irresponsible(yes i don`t deny that), innocent, stubborn and naive.

But then, i may look childish and young-looking but actually a really old matured soul lives inside this child-like face.

What has been on my mind this few days are things like "how to make this world a better place".
I know i am not in the position and neither am i capable of doing so because my soul isn`t exactly free.

"Free" meaning no restriction, no desires as i do have some "grudges" lingering inside of me.

I feel that everybody has it, unless the person learns and comprehends the word "forgiveness".

Lastly, i find myself happier because i am seeing the "hey, it isn`t that hard to forgive and free your mind of negative thoughts and trust issues".

However, i am not 100% free of it though.

I still find it hard to trust people.

When i give in total trust in a person, the person ALWAYS disappoints me.

However, if there if i linger a certain doubt about a situation, things turn out just fine.

How ironic.

That is why i kind of cultivate the master of "self-thinking".

I called it self-thinking and not self-meditation because eh it doesn`t do much help relieving LOL.

But it helps me in understanding certain stuffs and situations.

Ok i suggest you don`t try it unless your heart and mind is strong enough.

It is hard to control negative thoughts from overpowering you and might cause some self-damage.(I read from websites that negative thinking can lead to alcohol, drugs etc.).

Maybe usually my thoughts aren`t negative, neither is it positive either but more a philosophical kind of view.

Whereas people usually think about themselves OR others other than themselves.

Well, for me is i do think about my OWN welfare like a lot >.< and also the world at large.

That is why i tend to neglect my friends and family welfare sometimes from their reaction >.<.

Basically i don`t tend to think of them as i don`t see them like in need of something eg. help or attention.

Unless they come to speak to me about it or else how will i know?

LOL =x.
After said all this well my conclusion is, i really want to do something for the less fortunate society but i don`t know how to.

As i have seen like many of those corupted people who takes advantage of situations like donations when they pocketted the money themselves >:(!

That is why i aspire to become a good pharmacist to help people in their health(Physical) but (i know i am not really cut out for it >.<) and also an entertainer to entertain people to keep them happy and free of stress(Psychologically).

But first, i must be strong enough to be capable to do such things.

I may not have experienced much pain in my life(does not mean i don`t have painful/sad moments) but i manage to overcome them.

In my opinion, everyone has a right to be happy and loved.

That is because i have been loved and blessed, by my friends and my family, i learnt to be contented with what i have rather than complaining about what i lack(It is hard i know).

Well how do i know if i have achieve it?

Well, it is because i am a much happier person now, not really that happy as in HAPPY in caps but more of um FREEDOM.

I have a greater understanding of what i want, what i desire and what i have to gain greater awareness.

To channel all the negative to constructive learning, insight and experience.

I also find it hard to bear grudges though, it is really tiring but sometimes you cannot help to.



So lastly, happiness is not a destination.

It is a method of life.