Say HELLO to mr kiwi!!!
Thinking of New zealand just makes me so PISSED but i love mr kiwi LOL.(It is my bro`s actually and he is very protective of it.Don`t even let me touch so i have to do so secretly.)
Today was a so-so day.
Nothing special.
But there was this module talk,we wanted to go at first but decided not to because Jennifer said it was a waste of time.
The module will be preselected for us anymore.
Then meanwhile while the class either went for break of the talk,there were only four people in class.
Elaine,Jennifer,Huishan and i.
So we chatted.
It was a very long chat and it was such a coincidence that we have connections.
I cannot reveal what we said there as it may affect many people.
Elaine and i had pinky promise =).(i don`t think there is a need to blog out anyway)
So that is about it.
I guess i can officially say i am either silently resigned from LJS or they officially fired me.
So i am now currently jobless again T_T.
All because i was sick and i didn`t dare to tell them as i already skip one day of work already.
And my dad bought all GREEN PAINT to refurnish my house.
My house is going to look like some forest or alien planet now.
So DAMM green ok >.<. Do we really look like twins?(Taken a long time ago LOL)
This few days.
It really got me pondering.
Why no matter what i do.
I am just not given the same love that others have.
It`s not that i crave for it but sometimes you will feel kind of disappointed as you are better/done much more but the love and regconition you receive is much less.
For example,in the past,when i was still very young,my grades was always better than my brother`s.
But why the one who get canned often was me?
My brother never gotten canned in his whole entire life.(My dad don`t canned while well mum`s are biased toward little brothers).
And no matter how good my results were,my parents never praised me.
Well once i scored 99/100 for my maths.
Highest results that i ever gotten.
But all they ever notice is the one mark that i lost.
It is very demoralising and thinking about it just makes me pissed?Upset?Unfair?
Since young i feel neglected as a child already(can`t help it as i stayed with my relatives till i am 3).
The only thing i can say i am lucky to have are i have some very good friends i can count on.
I never well really been the affectionate type of person or neither will i express my love to them.
Because i realised i am a jinx to myself in relationships with people.
I am like a bomb to myself.
Any moment i can self-destruct and any moment i can lose everything that is important to me just by showing one word - affection.
Whenever i act nonchalent or heartless,people seem to come to me instead.
And whenever i started to care,this is the time they pack up and leave.
Weird huh?
That is why i feel that i am a jinx to myself.
But it`s painful bottling up this feelings.
I don`t want to but i have to.
Because i don`t want to lose things that are important to me.
There is a saying in chinese that says "being kind to others is equivalent to being cruel to yourself".
I think this phrase suits the jinx/curse that is born within me.
The moment i start showing humanity and compassion, that is when i lose myself, there is no best of both worlds.
The moment i start giving,is the moment i start losing every bit of myself maybe including my life perhaps.
I guess i can equate this to balance.
Well,in terms of relationship only whether it is with friends,family or whatever.
I feel that i am a jinx to myself in relationships.
Nothing ends well and i have to live with it.
I guess the only way to overcome this is to have no relationship at all, no connections.
As having no relationships/connections is less painful than putting your heart into something that you will lose it someday.
So the many important people in my life,promise that you won`t leave me?
Even if i say this,it won`t help.
I can`t control fate as i am born under the number of saturn.
The planet of fate that i have no control over.
I am not superstitious but this is what is actually happening to me time and again.
But at least i know the reason why now.
It has nothing to do with my actions,maybe this is just how my life is supposed to be,i don`t want to surrender to fate but how am i going to fight against what is already planned for me?
How is the little me going to make a difference to make my life a little better?
Please don`t walk away from my life will you?Friends,family and even you?
What you said today makes me wonder,you said the people close to you will always turn out unhappy.
I wonder if i have this effect too,that`s why they leave me one by one time and again.
Please don`t think that way because i know you are a nice person and those people leaving you is not your fault(well some people you met are really inconsiderate and selfish -.-").
I want you to know that at least i got a friend to keep me company now and that makes me happy :).
Helpless and confused.
Hope i don`t get nightmares.
Good night.
Going to go to my dreamland of weird dreams(Hopefully no dreams tonight eh).
Yeterday night i taking pictures of dream of cute mini horses,can someone interpret what it means?
Hahas lol :).
Tata shall blog again tomorrow \(^_^)/ - Hopefully i will stay like this hahas.